So is this how it's supposed to be?

Today, I received a call from my dad. He was telling me that my mom wasn't home for 2 nights and this gonna be her 3rd night of being away from home. 

My dad has no idea where she was and been contacting her friends if she's there with them as he suspected that she'd be at abang Along's place, her usual place.

This problem has been going on for so long. Dad has told me that he couldn't endure with the pain he has in him. He is battling with it on his own. I felt terrible. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what my mother has been thinking all this while. Does she want freedom? Does she want to be able to go anywhere? To say that my dad hasn't give her money is very unfair to him as he did that. It's just that, I know that he isn't be able to provide luxury to her life. 

But all she did she was telling me that she's trynna help the family's financial which my dad has never asked her to do in the first place. This problem has been going on for so long, even my step brothers are furious about it.

We expect her to change, but what did she change? 

I tried to put myself in her shoes, is it about the money that is not enough for her? Is it about my dad who is so busy not to take care of her? No, it isn't. I gave her money monthly, my dad gave her money monthly, my step brothers gave her money monthly. What is wrong?

She even stole money from her own children. 

I remember the day when I asked her whether she's on drug but she was declining it furiously. I don't know, I'm at a dead end.

Today, my father told me, he found her cards stating that she's on debt from a money lender. I'm so disappointed. Deeply disappointed. Where are all those money go? What has she done with the money she had?

It made me thinking, what is wrong here?

Dad told me that he had enough of my mother and said he'd want to call off the marriage that they have built for 25+ years. 

25 years, is that how long would a marriage last? 

I am hurt internally.

I am in pain.

I don't know why, maybe as the eldest son in the family who's expecting a perfect family. Not that I'm expecting 100% perfect in every angle but with happiness between my parents and their children are already great to me. 

How do I face this? For the rest of my life. 

Is there any manual on how to manage parents at the edge of divorce? Is there any? 

I try to listen to my dad. Understand his feelings from his perspective, but I also am thinking on the children's perspective. What would happened to my little brothers and sisters? Are we seriously separating and need to choose between our mom or dad? What if I want all of my siblings to stay with my dad? Because I know he has better financial stability than my mom? Would that be bias? Would I be that rebellious child to my mom? But also, would that be fair to my mom?

I tried to slow talk to my dad about getting some counselling for both of them. But the answer that I get from him was, "there's no use of that, she won't change...". Did he give up? I just don't know, but I am hell sure that the love has faded.

Love fades.

I'm all confused. 

I don't know who to talk to. 

Would it be okay if we remain silent on this issue? But it won't solve the problem. 

I remembered that one of my friends has met a psychiatrist to help her with her depression problem. I was thinking of the same thing.

I wanna seek help.

- Wed, 9.9.20 

- 4.30am 

While listening to Clair De Lune